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Meltdowns--mine--Lots of food for thought

Got this in my email today, hope she doesn't mind me sharing:

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but your blog comes across as pretty negative. I understand being frustrated, and things do go wrong. But as I tell my kids, if you're having problems with EVERYONE around you, maybe it isn't them, maybe it's you. It just made me sad to read. We're also a Christian, homeschooling, large family, and it surprised me that you were so down on all things China.
I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental, but as thought provoking. Maybe I'm misreading it. Maybe you're just really worn out, and your filter isn't working like it normally would.
Hopefully now that you're home you can get some rest and refresh your spirit. Wishing you a smooth transition with the other kids, and a wonderful bonding time."
 
Guilty, convicted, spent time on my bed crying; I am human.  And I am NOT trying to make excuses or turn the tables, but give insight.
I am truly sorry for bringing others down.  That was not my intention at all, but to be real.  So many go to adopt children, with no clue as to how hard it is, and many have done no research, and are so unprepared--a setup for a meltdown of their own.  Like the woman at the clinic who had NO idea that her baby would be getting 6 shots, she was heartbroken for her child.  It is not a fun thing to watch any child being held down and hurt, but she should have been aware that up to 6 shots was a realistic possibility.  She, or her agency, did not adequately prepare herself.
When we returned from adopting Avery, I had to totally quit reading blogs, and did not start back until Wes's adoption.  So many others who adopted around the same time as us were painting such a rosey picture of their new lives with their children, how wonderful everything was, etc., I fealt like a failure.  Even though it was our 2nd adoption, and I knew they were not being completely honest, their perfectly painted pictures along with the fact that Avery had far more problems than we had anticipated, was more than I could handle.  We love Avery unconditionally- no-matter-what- but we were grieving, in a sense, over what could have been, and the fact that much of her problems were caused by shear neglect.
 
It also took me 2 adoptions to learn some hard truths; you get used.  There are many well meaning adopting families out there that are so excited to learn everything they can about adoption from those who have been through it, and they do not realize they are using the other more experienced families.  Many want to be around others who are adopting while they are in the wait, picking your brain for info, which, it is great that they want to learn and be informed.  But after the adoption is over, I have found myself dropped like a hot potato, by people whom I thought I was forming a lasting relationship with.  It hurts.
 
I have tried to be real, not meaning to be overly negative.  There is sooo much more negative that I could have put.  I do apologize if I have come across as to harsh.  This trip (and adoption) has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  It seemed almost like "everything that can go wrong--did." 
I apologize for assuming my readers know me personally, and know other things going on in our lives that have had great emotional effect on me this year.   Perhaps with this in mind, I should make my blog private, but then again, I am not forcing anyone to read it.
 
We all need self examination from time to time, I am no exception.  And I am NOT trying to turn the tables here, or loose any of the friends/readers that I have left. 
BUT, if you-like the email sender- thought I was overly negative, let me ask you this:
Did you pray for me? Did you send me a note of encouragement?  The blog had over 700 hits in the last week of my travel, yet I had only 66 comments, and all of those were from 16 people.
Of many people who knew of our adoption (personally- not in blog land) through homeschool groups, church, weekday Bible study, husbands work, etc.  Only ONE person has called to check on us.  And little did she know I was almost in tears when she called because of the realization that no one had called.  NO one called DH to check on him and the kids while I was gone.  No one from church (or other) offered to cook them a meal.
When we got home from China in March with Wes, 2 people fixed meals, both from the adoption community-- not from church or other Christian contact (although they are both Christians).
Now don't just sit there and think "miss negative is at it again", I want you to think.  Christians, we NEED each other!  We need to be lifting each other up, and offering encouragement and support.  And, duh, I fail misserably==what about you.
God blew us away with how he paid for this adoption, he is so faithful.  But, honestly, we were very disturbed over the lack of concern or interest shown by many Christians.  Only 1 person from our church donated (and only 2 that I know of have ever read my blog), but it is not about the money, it's the hard truth that so many just don't care.  And so many comments we recieved were not edifying, but negative. 
I have enjoyed blogging, I am generally a very private person.  I have put more out there than I ever thought I would, but not even close to what all has been going on with us this year.  From a wayward child, dealing with guilt over said child, the loss of family members, the work and emotions of trying to sell our house, other deep hurts I will not mention, the ache in my heart for a true friend, so many things I have not shared.  Hardships can make you better or bitter, I admit, I have some bitterness to deal with; whether justified or not.
Please do not write me off as a miserable complaining person, I assure you that much encouragement and happy stories can be found in our blog before my recent travel.  And thank you, email person, I too, hope I can get some rest and restore my spirit.
I ask for you compassion, grace, and prayers. 

15 comments:

  1. Janet I'm thankful that you shared with us about YOUR time and experience in China with Waid. And although it was not rosey, it was YOUR story. Had you not shared what was happening, I wouldn't have been able to pray for you each morning! It made me sad to see you struggle in China but so thankful when you returned home safely with your son! Satan knows exactly where to attack us!!! Praying for you!!!

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  2. I feel for you and I don't think the person who wrote that note has the faintest idea of what you are going through. But you know, I do! We have been trying for over a year to get my daughter Miriam to China. She has SOD and is completely blind. We got lucky in the beginning and got focus from a local news station and only because someone at the station had a nephew who had the procedure done. They "forgot" to mention our address in the report so we got NOTHING out of it. The big newspaper refuses to post about us yet they posted 6 months after about a boy 600 miles form us who wanted it done. Our local paper ran an article after the news but also never ran our website. We spent so much money "trying" to raise money that we LOST money. People at our church helped with a small fundraiser by donating baked goods but our church itself has done nothing. Our family won't even help us spread the word. My husbands aunt is always talking about other fundraiser but never mentions ours, although she did donate 100 dollars she is a college professor and her help would have been valuable. We have held fundraisers which the newspaper refuses to run ads for. They want to charge us hundreds of dollars to run something. The local Lions club totally brushed us off which is sad since my daughter is only 1 of 2 actual blind kids in our town and blind services is what they do. I do feel your pain. It is such a hard time having a child with a disability, another hard time feeling like a failure. I cry myself to sleep every other night because I feel like I have failed my daughter and I know each day that goes by is a chance she is not getting. Ignore people like that. A blog belongs to the person behind the keys, not to the person reading it. What you write in your blog should be for you. Not anyone else. God Bless!

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  3. Oh and I meant to say that she needs a stem cell procedure that is not done in the United States. It is one of the only procedures in the world that could help her see. We aren't waiting for her. I just wanted to clarify that. I do wish you all the luck in the world getting your little one!

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  4. ohh Janet, I am so sorry. I actually thought your blog posts were hilarious. I was just telling someone it was like a side of you I had never seen...mixing all the humor in with the woes of travel. I think we all need self evaluation at times but I hate that someone had to bring this up to you right now. I think your great and let "him that is without sin among us cast the first stone". I have been so exhausted since we have come home with Jax, I am still just hanging on trying to get through each day and he is an EASY kid!! I can't imagine how exhausted you are and you are all trying to adjust to 2 new family members!! Hang in there friend. And we have still not taken Jax to the park we were waiting until you were ready to go so we can brave it together. Take care.

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  5. Janet,
    I want you to know that I love your honesty on your blog...I wish I could tell things like you do. I loved reading your blog now and while you were in China. You are a wonderful person and mother. You have a wonderful HEART for orphans and others. I know I do not talk to you much but I still remember meeting you so many years ago when you were in the process of your first adoption and we had just adopted Anna Lei. You are a very precious family and look forward to watching all your kids grow. God has blessed you richly with 6 Gifts !!!!!!!

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  6. I never have ever thought that you were being negative at all, that you were only being bluntly honest, which is good, even if it was negative or harsh. I don't think you did anything wrong or was negative, just that you were very harshly honest. We all need harsh honesty at times. We can't go through life pretending that it's pink clouds and cotton candy and stuff. Life IS hard. And I am glad you are honest. I would have wanted to know how hard foreign adoption was if I had considered adopting a child from a foreign country so I could prepare. I would want the harsh reality and truth so that I, generic "we" can be prepared for what we are going to face if one of the generic "we" goes ahead and starts the adoption process. I like your story. It is honest and good and wonderful and even harsh (as in harsh honesty) which is great. I like that you are honest and not fluffing things up like some people do. Thank you for your honesty. I learn life through life and its honesty.

    I honestly don't know what that person who wrote you that comment was thinking. Don't worry about that person.

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  7. I’m also sorry.
    Thank you for sharing your story and it is YOURS and it does encourage other families.

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  8. Ouch! Her post really hurts.

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  9. Maybe it is the personality of the reader. I never saw it as you being negative....just real. You have been going through something hard and I want to know about it. Life's not all rosy and there's nothing wrong with letting us know you are struggling. Plus, it makes me more aware of those in my community that are adopting and that maybe I could do more to love on them. I did not know how hard it was to adopt from China until I read the story of one of my friends. I was so glad she wrote it....I want to know! And your perspective has added a new dimension to my understanding.

    You did a great job of writing about it without being defensive. Thanks! Lisa~

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  10. Sheesh-I thought your posts were hysterical. I would read them and laugh my butt off; they reminded me so much of some of my days in China. And, yeah, people will "drop you like a hot potato", as you said, but people are fickle. Let it all go.

    You're home. You're safe. Don't feel guilty about wishing you were both of those when you were scrambling around on your own in a foreign country with a scared child.

    Don't take the other mom's comments too hard, either; you can tell that she meant well when posting them.

    I thought you maintained your sense of humor remarkably well :-)

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  11. Sheesh-I thought your posts were hysterical. I would read them and laugh my butt off; they reminded me so much of some of my days in China. And, yeah, people will "drop you like a hot potato", as you said, but people are fickle. Let it all go.

    You're home. You're safe. Don't feel guilty about wishing you were both of those when you were scrambling around on your own in a foreign country with a scared child.

    Don't take the other mom's comments too hard, either; you can tell that she meant well when posting them.

    I thought you maintained your sense of humor remarkably well :-)

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  12. Praise God its a new day!!! A new day to learn, love and repent. We all have these moments......its what we do with them that makes us who we become...bitter or better. Im so grateful for those who share in love their perspective...and sometimes it hurts and Im not so grateful immediately but Gods loving kindness changes my attitude. I also am grateful for those who strive to be real. May the Lord bless you, encourage you, restore you, heal you and remind you that He has great plans for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. I pray that you would be able to experience refreshing genuine fellowship very soon. If I lived closer I would love to get to know you so that I could earn the right to come and love on you for a while. May peace flow over every area of your life. I have lost your addy from the thank you card you sent from waides KK, but I would love to correspond with you. If you go to my blog at seeminglyrecklessfaithdotblogspotdotcom and leave me a comment with that info or your e-mail address I would love to keep in contact. (my pop up blocker will not allow me to access your email address on your contact button) Please know this is NOT a ploy to get you to my blog. As a matter of fact I really dont post often enough for people to want to follow....and thats okay with me as I know my God knows and I never started my blog for the adoption community but for family and friends.
    Trina

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  13. Having lived through my own nightmare travel story to China without my husband (wonder if they treat you better when you have your husband than when you don't?) I have to say I didn't see a thing wrong with any of your posts. Know all about the disappointment of getting a neglected child...traveling to find your child has many undisclosed special needs, since we lived through the same thing with SY.
    Honesty isn't bitterness...it is telling the TRUTH. And sharing real stories is what helps others to find their way when they end up in the same place.
    Sorry I didn't post more comments while you were traveling... big disaster here...just digging out from under it all.

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  14. Janet,
    I LOVE your honesty and transparency. I look forward to getting to know you better this year and picking your brain and hearing all about your adoption journey. It sounds like God's given you and I a similar vision. I know I am clueless, so you can help get me ready so I don't go into it all blindly when my God ordained time comes. I would LOVE to pray for you and your precious little ones in any way you need, so let me know specifics. You are an amazing woman!

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  15. leanne12:22 AM

    Hi! I just came across your blog from Adovcate for Waiting children. It's good you write hard truths. It's good to know that things are not "easy", and life isn't like that.
    You have a big heart for children like your adopted ones. :)
    Looking foward to reading more.
    It sounds like you're sensitive gal. Rely on the Lord. Hope we will get to know each other better as time goes on. I want to adopt, and I m learning.

    Leanne

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